Kevin Bowser
We have taken a little bit of a political turn lately here at LeadershipVoices and I think that was important and I think that folks were expressing deep concerns about the state of our culture and society. The events of the last 2 weeks have pointed to a dramatic lack of leadership across the board.
So, today want to step back from some of the thoughts expressed recently and go back to the foundation of society once again. And for me, that foundation is the home and the key to much of it is the role that we as fathers have in establishing that home with a firm foundation.
And in that vein, I would offer up today seven things that fathers can do to be “Foundational Fathers”. The seven things that I offer today are common characteristics of fathers who are foundational to their families and therefore foundational to their society:
- Foundational Fathers Love Jesus – You cannot be a Foundational Father to your earthly children if you don’t have a foundational relationship with your Heavenly Father. This I believe strongly. Can you still be a good father without this? Yes, but we need the strength and guidance as fathers that only comes from our Heavenly Father.
- Foundational Fathers Leave a Godly Legacy – It is our primary responsibility to be the Spiritual Leader of our home. Do not “outsource” that to Mom. Instead, lead your children and raise them to love and honor their Heavenly Father as their earthly father has taught them.
- Foundational Fathers Deeply Love Their Children’s Mother – Dr. James Dobson is quoted as saying that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. Give your children a priceless gift and legacy by modeling a deep and abiding love and commitment to your wife and the mother of your children.
- Foundational Fathers Love Their Children Unconditionally – You may not ever have to offer unconditional love. Perhaps your children will never disobey. Perhaps they will always do what is right and honoring to you. Perhaps not. And it is in those times where they are not walking the right path that you will discover the capacity for unconditional love. You will possess it if it has possessed you.
- Foundational Fathers Build Memories, Not Material Wealth – This is not an admonition against having money and nice things. In fact I will deal with that next. Rather, we recognize that our time with our children is fleeting. And we would rather spend that time in the pursuit of cherishable memories and not perishable things.
- Foundational Fathers Are Generous – Do not hold too tightly to the things that you have. They are not worth anything compared to your children. It is simple, don’t buy it if you are unwilling to have it pooped on, spit up on, bent, broken or scratched. Besides, weddings are expensive and you will need to be prepared for that day. There will come a time after the kids are grown and you will be able to buy that “thing” you always wanted. But don’t be surprised that once you can afford it, you really don’t want it after all.
- Foundational Fathers Celebrate Milestones – Birthdays, anniversaries, family vacations, holidays and weddings are a BIG deal. Foundational fathers and their families celebrate these special days and make them memorable.
There are many other things that could go on this list. I hope that you have already thought about some of them and that will share them with the rest of us by leaving a comment on the blog.
Great article Kevin, I really look forward to Fatherhood Friday, a chance to work on a few things over the weekend. I have one question though, I struggle with spoiling my kids, to the point that sometimes I feel as though I am “buying” there love. And other times when I am going above and beyond to celebrate something I feel like I am not doing a good job of “loving”them both the same. I put that in quotes because that is how I think they see it. You raised two great kids, I have the pleasure of knowing them both, did you ever face these kind of situations?
Billy, thanks for the kind words. And, let me say, I agree. I do have two great kids. And they are continuing and living out a legacy that reaches back before me.
You use a word “spoiling” that I think is often misused in society. To me a spoiled child is a child that exhibits behavioral problems from overindulgence by his or her parents. Spoiled children may be described as “overindulged”, “grandiose”, “narcissistic” or “egocentric-regressed”. The bottom line for a spoiled child is that they have no consequences for their behavior.
A child is not “spoiled” by having material things provided by their parents. A child is spoiled when that child willfully destroys those things and the parent runs right out and purchases another one better and newer than the last one in an attempt to pacify the child.
As for “loving them both the same”, this is a really tricky one. Our kids always spot what they feel is the inequities in our responses to their siblings. One of the things that we tried to stress to our children was the difference between equal and even. Equality says that if you punish one you must punish the other to be equal. I bet they don’t want that!!! Instead we need to treat them each according to their needs and personalities. But that rarely seems “fair” to them when they are young.
Hope this helps. And I hope some others chime in.
Kevin, I really liked your response to Billy’s dilemma. How hard it is now days to walk that fine line between spoiling a child and being overindulgent all in the hopes of retaining that child’s love.
Billy,
I can really appreciate where your heart is coming from. The amenities of life have made for a very difficult time to raise kids.
Billy,
This question is interesting to me because I can look at it from two perspectives now that I have kids. When I was little, I was always quick to point out when things weren’t “fair” around the house. Maybe I got a different punishment than Jacob did, or he got a privilege that I didn’t get. The part I didn’t understand back then is what Dad mentioned below… EVEN and EQUAL aren’t the same. Now that I am a mom, I can look back at how Mom and Dad did things and understand why things were not always “equal.” They recognized the fact that Jacob and I had different personalities and we would respond to different punishments and rewards. And speaking of punishments, they were also experts on making the punishment fit the crime. (Ask them about the time I had to scream my apology as loudly as I had screamed something disrespectful to my wonderful mother.)
In terms of the spoiling issue, I don’t know if I am qualified to answer that after I just spent the day at a pumpkin patch with my kiddos, giving them everything they asked for 🙂 haha! Seriously though, I am thinking that as they get older, we will try to teach them about money and how we have to work for the things we have. I really don’t want my kids to think that money grows on trees. I like what Dad said about making sure they are not “overindulged.” Like he said, a kid that has no respect for his things is a kid who is spoiled rotten, and that’s no bueno! I think the key is to make sure that when I do give my kids something special, they understand that it is something to be valued and treated with respect. Does that make sense?
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